I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
