So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
