I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
