she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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