It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
