I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
