I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
