can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
