i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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