Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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