Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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