if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
