My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
