I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
