how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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