Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
