I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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