It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
