I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
