Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
