Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
