I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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