Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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