after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
