How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
