there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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