Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
