I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
