like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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