just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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