i just wanna soil my oats bro
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
