Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
