Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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