I just threw up on my dentist
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
