yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
