My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
