If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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