I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
FUCK WHALES
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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