Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
