He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
