no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.