She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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