Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
