Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
