im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
