I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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