i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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