I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
