I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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