I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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