nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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