Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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