Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
