I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
