Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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